i tHink...

_One day_

2012-01-03T19:57:00.002+08:00

*Image courtesy of Google Image*

My sister used to ask me to watch a movie and she would always end this in her invitation. "I know you'll write a beautiful story/review for it!" True dat! And it has been the longest time since I really sat down and enjoy a movie. So, during my break, I had the time to watch this amazing story. Here's my take!

Not your average mainstream love story. Well, it is a love story but, it's not. Hmm... Confusing? Let me see if I can further explain myself here. Right... It's not the "Girl meets guy. Vice versa. Girl ends up in the bedroom with guy in less than 5 minutes. Vice versa. Girl fights with guy. Vice versa. Girl realizes girl can't live without guy. Vice versa." Get it? :D Not THAT kind of love story. This is more, ... how shall I put it, intriguing. Yes, that's the word.

I guess one watches it for the love story but above it all, one learns something meaningful after watching it. Ever been in a situation where you don't get what you want? And you keep telling yourself, if it doesn't come to you, it doesn't belong to you? Yeah, that's what happened in the movie. Plus, the cinematography is beautiful and captivating. But you know what, what captivate me the most is the fact that, sometimes when we want to just throw in the towel and just call it a quit, or we don't want to try something that will bring us out of our comfort zone, why not tell yourself, "Let's wait... wait and see what happens next!"

To often, one, including myself, doesn't give oneself enough second chances. One gives others 2nd chance, 3rd... 4th and the list just goes on and on, but never to ourselves. One gives up. One just gives up because one doesn't want to hurt anymore. One says, "Enough!". And often than not, it's when one sits still and just wait, perhaps something great will happen. Something great might not happen but, at least, wait....

We run, we chase our own tails like a mad dog every single day. And we walk when we are tired. When our energy is back up, we continue to run even faster, chasing for heaven knows what in our lives. Then, we complain that we are tired of our lives. At least, that's me. So, for this new year, for once in my life, I want to just sit still and not chase after my own tail, going round and round. I want to just sit still and wait.

Happy New Year!

*Here's the trailer if you are interested. Enjoy! Oh yeah, it's from a book actually... But worth watching the movie, too!*

_Dreams buried_

2012-01-01T20:47:00.003+08:00

*This is my salt light in my room. Didn't realize its beauty until recently.*

2011, what did 2011 bring to you? The most asked question days before 2012 hit us in the face and it continued even until today. I don't know about you but 2011 brought many tears and joy to my life. Above it all, 2011 slapped me in the face and said, "Pull yourself together, woman! Brace yourself, here comes Responsibility!"

Then again, what year has not shown us that sooner or later, we do get old. That we aren't getting any younger. Late night parties? Sorry.. I have to get up early tomorrow for work. Drinking sessions? Sorry... Too poor to drink. Random activities and excursions? .... Are you serious? This can't be right! Yup, I started to think as such. Those are my answers when thrown with such questions. Ask me these questions 4 years back, the only answer I would had given would be, "When? Where? Now? Okay...!"

I guess when I keep complaining about how people have changed, I have forgotten that I too, changed. For better I hope. But you know what, the one thing that I realized in 2011, is the fact that many of my dreams were buried. Many, many... many .... dreams.... Gone with the wind.

Lying in my bed, just after the "bombing" last night, I thought about my dreams. Big and small. Dreams that were the reason why I wake up every morning. Dreams that held my hands and guided me as I walk down the multiple roads in my life.

I dreamt about having a house just next to the beach I used to go and sat there for countless hours. Talking, as if someone was next to me, listening to me. I am a person of little words, you see. I don't usually pour out my heart and soul to just anyone. In fact, I can count, with my 10 fingers, the times that I really poured out my heart to anyone. Anyway, back to the house, I even drew the house that I want to build there. Glass. Yes, glass. And I even had the land figured out. The land, if you haven't realized, there's a column on the right of my blog titled "What I see"... That picture, the stairs, those are the stairs built on the land. Just next to the beach. And I used to sit there and think about lots and lots of stuff. Then, reality slapped me hard.

"A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world."

- Oscar Wilde

Yes, Mr Wilde, you're right! Absolutely right! But.. the world laughs at this plan of mine. And so, I shall leave it as it is. A dream.

*Sorry, but I am not the most optimistic person in the world.*

_Let go_

2011-12-21T21:58:00.000+08:00

If there's a word that I don't like, it's "Let go". Goodbyes and I, we don't see eye to eye. And for as long as I can remember, I have never had a good experience with it. And I don't understand why, after so many goodbyes, I still can't handle it well.

Soon, 2011 will end and I foresee goodbyes being exchange... I am partially prepared for it. I know that change is inevitable. I know that they have to go. I know things won't stay the same forever. Yet, I still wish I don't have to go through those moments. The nearer it get, the more painful it is.

Honestly, I really don't know how to react when the time comes. When it's time to part, when the last goodbye is said, when one sees them walk off, when one knows they will not be that close to you anymore, when one is left alone to survive and carry on with life.

Of course I don't want them to go, of course I won't want to let them go... but what can I do? I keep telling myself, this is for the good of all mankind. Good for the past, good for the present,... and above it all, it's good for the future.

It's not easy to just leave everything and walk out of somebody's life. It's even tougher if they have been there through thick and thin with you. And it's definitely not easy when you know that there'll be no one there to hold you through the deepest shit, that from now on, it's you... only you.

Yes, I know I'll see them again. Yes, I know technology is so advance it will feel as if they are just next to me. Yes, I know that... and I also know distance makes the hearts grow fonder. I know, but I also know it won't be the same anymore.

... I guess I have to keep telling myself, "It won't be that bad, Angela. You'll get over it." Yeah, I'll get over it but, I think this, this time round, it's going to take awhile...

_Believe_

2011-11-03T10:53:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, just sometimes, when one gets all tangled up with routines and life, one forgets to believe. Forgets to believe that the day will be better. Forgets to believe that truth always prevails. Forgets that when it's dark enough, it's then that we can see the stars and smile.

Sometimes, just sometimes, one needs to believe to the things the eyes can't see. Believe that a better tomorrow is waiting for us. Believe that Love goes round and round; so does hurt. Believe that Love will come when Hurt passed.

Sometimes, just sometimes, one needs to know that everything will be alright. Know that there are people who will do anything to see that smile on our face. Know that there's always a hand to hold us, a shoulder for the tears and an ear to listen.

Sometimes, just sometimes, above it all... One has to have faith and continue to have it though there's nothing else to hold on to, no one else standing next to us, no where else to go... Just look up above. If the sun shines regardless of how bad the weather is, why not smile regardless of how bad life treats us...

*Smile*

_Life..._

2011-10-04T14:24:00.000+08:00

Though you are small and yet to know who I am, it doesn't matter. What matters most is that I know you are safe in there. I know, the journey is still long. There will be changes in there, you'll turn, you'll kick.. you'll even make her more sick. Even so, rest assured that Love, over-flowing Love we will give to you from now till the world ends.

I wish I can tell you how much we love you and hope to see you as soon as possible. Then again, we know you'll need lots of time to get ready to meet us. Take your time, and we'll be prepared as well. Let me tell you one secret, the world is beautiful... especially with the people that you'll meet. But don't get all excited... Relax. That's one thing that many people can't have now. So, don't rush.

There are so many things I want to do with you. So many places to bring you to. So much love to give to you. Yet, I know, all of us know that we'll have ample time to do so. And I know, I know you can hear me, know that one day, any days, when you're scared... when you are unsure, remember; follow your heart, dreams and be yourself. When that happens, there's nothing that you can't do. I believe in you, all of us know that you can be who you want you want to be. On top of it all, know that He's always there even when we aren't. Pssst... I'll be there all the time, too.

So this is it, I shall anticipate for you and when you see me... I don't know, you'll probably cry. :)

Love,

_The feeling which sticks_

2011-09-05T14:46:00.001+08:00

It was my brilliant idea to go back for awhile during my unemployment period recently. It was also my brilliant idea to dwell in the feeling of missing it so much after that. Sometimes I wonder how many times do I have to fly away from that special place and bid adieu to my family to NOT feel homesick any more.

On the flight back, it was a night flight and boy, KL is beautiful at night! There were lights every where. Big, small, not so bright... Just name it, KL has it. And it didn't make me feel any better. Instead, I pondered how long would I be able to hold on to this life I choose to live now. For the first time, deep down in my heart, there's a slight, tiny, little feeling of wanting to go back to the small town life I am very familiar with.

I guess, only time will tell. For now, it's back to normal. Still wake up at the same time, still doing the same thing, still breathing and thinking of what to eat after every meal! :D

Started my new job. Today is the first day... so far, no complain... (why would I when I get my own computer and a cubicle?) hehe... Yes, it is that easy to impress and buy me over!

_The curtain has fallen but, the show goes on_

2011-08-19T00:20:00.000+08:00

Soon, it will all be over. 2 years of relationship. 2 years of priceless experiences. I know, 2 years is nothing but, for me, it is. For someone who gives up the moment I hit a wall, it does matter to me. A lot.

I walked down memory lane today. Sat the place I first sat. Walked the path I first walked. Cleaned the table and returned it as it was the day I sat there. My hands were strong but my knees were weak. I felt joy but, at the same time, I rejected the feeling that I will definitely miss the time I've spent there.

Drove in the same route today and immediately I felt butterflies in my stomach. No, I don't think I was afraid that I wouldn't get a parking spot. I am sure it's the sentimental side of me taking over. I would miss those "rituals" I have to undergo before hitting the class.

The "putting coins into the parking machine",

"fighting for a spot under the shady tree",

"ordering the same drink for the past 2 years",

"explaining to the guy who sells breakfast I want spoon and fork in my atrocious Cantonese"

and

"having breakfast with you".

I am happy that I closed down this show well and I can see the curtains falling now. Yet, I know I will miss this show. I'll miss the actors and actresses in this show and of course, the audiences as well. In fact, one of the many reasons I stayed so long in this show was because of the audiences. I am a teacher and a teacher doesn't teach. Teachers do more than that. We act and put up a show while teaching every single day of our lives. No matter how sad, happy or broken we are, we still put on our biggest smile for the students. No matter how messed up our minds are, we still concentrate and bring the lesson across successfully. That's a teacher, that's us. Thus, I've always believed all the teachers should be the ones walking down the red carpet and holding the Oscar statues.

I am not asking for a standing ovation, I am not asking for a grand exit... I don't need all that. I am asking you to not forget everything that I've put into the numerous shows. Remember, behind every successful shows, numerous hours have been put in before showing it.

Now, I understand why some students teared up the moment they want to leave though they complaint every single waking moment when they were in class. Memories. Experiences. Good and bad ones. Memories and experiences that walked them down the journey of life which did not kill them but, made them stronger.

And here I am, saying the same thing. Thank you, thank you for everything. Till we meet again, this is Angela signing out!

P/S: Something from my resignation letter that was sincerely from my heart, "...I've had the opportunity to work with some of the finest colleagues and have taught some of the greatest students."

~Thank you~

_End of one tunnel_

2011-07-28T18:59:00.005+08:00

... it's the end of the tunnel for me. Only this tunnel. Looking back, I am still very much amazed at myself. Flabbergasted at how I've managed to pull through every ups and downs there. All the frustration, pain, anger... all gone, gone with the wind the moment I handed in the letter. Gone, the moment the handshake was made. Gone, the moment "Thank you" was exchanged.

... I am glad I ended it well. I am glad I signed the letters, I am glad I threw in the towel, not because of defeat but for triumph. For proving that I can stand on my two feet, for not giving up every time I feel like it. Above it all, I am glad I am ending it with a smile on my face. At the end of everything, it's just a shut of a window but an opening of a bigger and wider door. Cliche as it is, it's true.

... It's not all bad. I've gone through worst! Then again, I've come to a point where I truly believes that what doesn't kill you just makes you stronger. I remember one student said to me once, "Nothing can hurt you anymore." She's right. Nothing can hurt me anymore.

... No place is a heaven on earth. I am sure I have to pull through same or (God forbids) worse situations that I've encountered. Nonetheless, it's the satisfaction in me that I am longing for. I want to arrive at the point where I can give myself a pat on the back and say, "Good job, Angela!"

... Family is overjoyed. Papa said something really sweet to sister and as usual, sister reported back to me. He said, "You know her, she has a way to make people love her." *tears* Mama sent a message and said she's proud! :) Siblings are still shouting for joy *literally* and friends, friends have been very, extremely lovely! What more can I ask for, this is one of the reason why I am alive today. Their unfailing support and love all through the days.

... Yes, it'll soon end. Pre-goodbyes have been said. Body is slowly shutting down. Mind is gradually digesting the fact that it'll all end soon. Leaving and goodbyes are never easy but, it's part and parcel of life. And here I am, standing tall to bid adieu (soon) :)

_Empty swing__

2011-07-18T21:50:00.002+08:00

*Image courtesy of Google Image*

Ignore the bad English but you get the idea....

Where has the childhood memory gone?

_Part of the fun is the climb_

2011-06-25T18:15:00.000+08:00

It's amazing how a song can suddenly change one's mood. Came across my favourite singer on YouTube few moments ago and heard her debut after such a long time. Her words never fail to amazed me. Simple yet profound. So have a go and have a bash this weekend, cause I know I will. :) Oh yeah, and remember,

"When somebody throws sticks and stones,

all they can break are your bones

And life's gonna kick you around

and kick you again when you're down..but,

today is my day

And nothing can stand in my way!"

~Shania Twain, "Today is your day"

_What happened along the way?_

2011-06-23T00:20:00.001+08:00

What happened along the way? I know people changed, I know time passes us by like lightning but still, what happened along the way?

I used to hold his tiny hands during those dark nights when we slept together. Him by my side for years as we were growing up. We used to have this counting game just before I switch off the lights because he was just too scared to be alone (even for that few seconds) when I ran to the switch to turn off the light and back to the bed, next to him, again. I would say, "Count to 3 and I'll be back, where I left you." And he did. Every night before we fell asleep, for years...

Then, as he was growing up, being in school and all; I stayed back after my classes to be with him. I sat at the staircase next to his seat in school and just watching him. Assuring him that I'd always be there for him, that he'd never be alone. Everyday until I left primary school...

The ultimate blow was when I left him and continued chasing my dreams! He was left alone, alone without anyone to guide him. No one to hold his hands anymore. And today, I realized that he was holding his arms up in the air; hoping to grasp onto something. Something that he can hold on, too.. Just like when he was young.

It broke my heart into pieces. Shattered it to million pieces. To think that I left him at a time when he needed someone to believe in him. I don't blame him for not being who I want him to be, I don't blame him for making the wrong decisions now and then; above it all, I don't blame him for not knowing what to do. I blame myself. All on myself. Mama used to tell me that irregardless of how old he is going to be, inside of him, he's still that little boy who wants to hold someone else's hand for assurance. I guess I've overlooked that point all these times.

I told him,

"We are family. And family talks, family never leaves anyone behind to suffer!"

Andy, I'm sorry for not being there all these times. This is the wake up call for me. This is the time I need to mend trust that's been broken. And I promise you, this time round, I won't let you go anymore. You are my only brother and I always want the best for you. Even if it means I not getting anything at all.

No matter what happened along the way,

no matter how far we've been apart,

no matter what'll happen,

know that I love you
I love you

since the day I called you,

"My brother...

the one that holds my hands at night."

_To Mr. Teo_

2011-06-19T11:50:00.002+08:00

My father is a man of few words. He's never really talked about his anger, pride, disappointment nor joy,

but when his uncle and parents passed away; I saw him cry. I saw those precious tears falling from his weary eyes. That's far, far, far from any words can express any form of feelings.

My father never wanted anything big for himself. His old broken motorcycle was his pride. He even took 4 of us on a stroll (one by one) when he bought it. Though it was not a car, but that motorcycle brought us to school and back for years. That same motorcycle brought him to work and back for as long as I can remember.

My father wasn't a policeman, firefighter nor was he anyone influential. He worked as a postman all his life, starting when he was just a teenager. He was loyal to ONE company and stayed even through the rough times. His steadfast loyalty is far, far, far better than any heroic jobs out there and he's forever a Hero in my eyes.

My father has never uttered the word "I love you" to any us. He has never hugged or told bedtime stories to us, but when he held our hands, to help us complete our writing homework, sitting behind us, holding his rough hands over ours; that's far more than any "I love you". That's far more than any bedtime stories.

He might not be the perfect father,

he might not even be anyone special in the world

But he's Papa

the one and only

the one that tells lame jokes just to get our attention

that one that sits when we shop like mad
the one that asks the same questions when I call him

the one that makes sure we have the BEST
even when he has none

that's my Papa

The one I love everyday!

Happy Father's Day, Papa!

_ Me, weird? ..._

2011-06-16T23:19:00.001+08:00

*Image courtesy of Google Image*

I was driving back from my private class and as usual, I took the same route. But this time round, I reached out my hands, out my car window as Max cruised through the same old road. It was then that I realized how I miss having the wind blowing through my fingers and my palm. It's best done when the rain has just stopped and what's left is just the cold wind of the night!

What struck me the most was how ignorant I am with life nowadays. I used to be able to sit still and look at the waves crashing onto the stones at the beach for hours. Now, I can't even sit still for a moment. I really hope I haven't lost that side of me yet. I don't want to lose that. I want NOT to just have a glance of the beautiful things and people surrounding me, but I want to

sit still,

enjoy the breeze,

dance in the rain,

and talk to Him

without hearing

my own voice

but His.

Does it make sense to you?

Me, weird?

I don't think so.

I'm just

Me.

_Music, where are you?__

2011-06-16T01:08:00.002+08:00

*Image courtesy of Google Image*

Life hasn't been kind to yours truly here. Day in and day out, I am caught up with the vortex of madness. Constantly chasing the dollar sign even when I've vowed not to do so. Then again, I actually don't know what to do when I have free time.

I remember my sister used to say that I am not the kind of person that would be able to handle freelance jobs well. She's right! I can't. My life is pretty much planned and the moment something is cancelled, I am left standing there; clueless of what to do and where to go. So, to my humble crib I head.

I wonder what would I do if one day, one day when I can't hear the music anymore? Would I be able to dance there alone? Would I be able to still sing even when the audience is gone? Would I?

Only time will tell. As for now, this heart of mine is aching for some reassurance. Anything would do. All I need to hear is, "I'll hold your hands..." That's all. Too much to ask for? In the mean time, I shall carry on running.

Run Angela run.

_Words can never be enough...._

2011-05-08T21:27:00.001+08:00

Know that I think of every waking moment of my life

Know that I keep your word in me everyday

Know that I don't just say "I love you" on Mother's Day

I love you, Ma.

Words and things can't be replaced to what you've done

and given to me

Thank you, Ma

Sorry for not being there with you today

but when you guys come here

I shall celebrate it with Pa and you.

*Sent Ma this message this morning*

Happy Mother's day

My mother held my hands when I arrived in this world.

And I will be there when she needs someone to hold her hands when her legs give up on her

My mother waited and guided me through my exam years

And I will be there when she needs someone to accompany her to places she wants to go

My mother fought for me when people looked down on me

And I will be there when she needs someone to stand up for her

My mother cares for me till today

And I will be there when she needs a hand to hold, a shoulder to cry on and a daughter's love.

It still brings tears to my eyes every time I think about my Ma and Pa, even after so many years of being apart.

_at the foot of the cross..._

2011-04-25T01:03:00.001+08:00

For as long as I can remember, I always lay my needs, tears and pain at the foot of the cross. Today, I looked up and realized that the cross is empty. The tomb is also empty. I cried, not because I was sad. No! Twas more of tears of happiness that the cross and the tomb is empty. Cause I know that He is alive and there for me.

Someone asked me why I believe in what I believe. Some were amazed at my persistence of waking up every Sunday and be in where I find peace. "It's all about relationship, I guess and so far, nothing has drawn me away from He whom saved me," I said. Above all that I face daily, all the setbacks, the frustration and blocked ways, somehow I have the assurance that He reigns in my life. I would be lost had I given up on this that I hold closely to my heart. And today, I learnt that every time I want to kneel and cry at the foot of the cross, the cross is not there but two pierced hands; hold me close instead.

A cross is considered as a symbol

An empty tomb is a testament that He didn't die

and so

A humble heart of mine is all I can ever give to Him

_How do I keep the fire burning?_

2011-04-19T23:27:00.002+08:00

I think I am burning out soon. It's so difficult to wake up and smell the coffee anymore. Have been getting up later and later by day. Woke up almost 1 hour later than the time I should be up normally. Gosh... Is this fire in me dying out? How do I actually keep the fire burning? Someone once told me, "You're different now than before. I don't see you smile, no more..." I replied, "Can't possible give one when my heart weeps every waking moment of my life!"

I don't know what I want to do anymore. Routines, routines and more routines. How I hate them...yet, without them I don't really how else to live my life. Have been asking myself, "Is this what I want? Is this all?"

Tell me, tell me now... How? How? How....?

I think I need a break.. A long good one!

_My ex-car, Bethan_

2011-03-21T23:05:00.001+08:00

Finally sold her off today. Everything was in such a rush, I had no time to say good bye or do anything. It was just boom boom bam, thank you Ma'am.

Dealer took her away from me within 30 minutes time.

So, here's a walk down the memory lane with her (for the last time)

Liza and Adrian put a bow on it the day they gave it to me

I promised to take good care of her though I knew she wasn't all new and shiny, but she was still my first car.

Our first hug

Then, our worst nightmare arrived. A car hit us and I survived, but Bethan, she was in a bad shape.

Got her fixed.

Took her for a shower...

...so that she could be all shiny and clean.

The pimp dice I refused to take down though both of it had lost their scent long time ago.

Going to miss those dice.

Saved the slippers though... :)

Want to have part of Bethan in Max (aka Minnie)

Told her this is my dream car,

but will always love her as much as I do now.

The last shower I gave her. Dude was nice to clean every inch of her.

Taken right before they took her away

Though she was not perfect,

she made me perfect by following me here and there.

We had our moments, something that I will cherish forever.

And no matter what or when,

She'll always be my...

Bethan (WLE 9474)

15th August 2009 - 21st March 2011

Love,

Angela

_My heart goes out to all of you__

2011-03-11T23:25:00.004+08:00

For the past 1 1/2 year, I have taught students from different countries that I might never have the chance to visit. They came, asked for knowledge and left. Some kept in touch, some moved on with life. No matter what they choose to do after leaving the center, I believe that we somehow impacted each others' lives with priceless knowledge and experience. Now, I know how they have impacted mine.

With the current uproar of natural disasters and also political unrest in the middle east, part of me somehow hurts as I think about the days that my students have to undergo in those situations. No one would have guessed that such things would happened. No one would have asked for such disruption in our lives. Yet, as powerful as we think we are, someone else is in control.

When I heard about the upheaval in Middle East, I reminisce the times that I had with my previous Middle East students. I wondered how they are and how their lives must have been changed within hours. As worried as I am, I know it's time for them to stand up on their feet and say, "E-N-O-U-G-H!"

-Egypt-

The world has long forgotten the diversity of the culture in the Middle East or how dictatorship suppressed the rights of many young people. No doubt we should always keep what's good in a country but if there is any inkling of injustice, one should stand up when the opportunity arrives.

-The latest, Saudi Arabia-

Whatever happens, I pray that all of you are well. I pray that the day of victory will come for all of you. And above it all, I pray that you can call your country "Home" once more.

-Prayer Time in Libya-

And when we think the worst has arrived, we hear news of natural disasters hitting countries back to back. Imagine the shock I had when I received the notification from CNN on my phone saying that New Zealand was hit by an earthquake. New Zealand? Shared it with my students in class and they had the same expression, "New Zealand?" When was the last time we heard an earthquake striking the beautiful land of the Kiwis?

-Bent rail road after the quake-

And just weeks after that shock, China was hit with another earthquake. My heart felt the sharp pain instantly. I couldn't stop thinking about the scars that will be in the hearts of my students when you have such things happening in your beloved country. A place where you call "Home".

-Troops sent to search for survivals-

I really hope with the quake in Japan, it would put a closure to our hearts for now. I don't think I can take it anymore. I don't think I can just let it all go and be thankful that it didn't happen in my country. I tried, but failed miserably.

-tsunami hitting Japan after the quake-

-natural gas plant burning after the quake-

I've always believed that there is a reason for everything that happen in my life. I now understand the one reason why I have to teach students from different countries;

to teach myself to have compassion for others.

What ever happens in the future, know that my heart goes out to all of you. And as long as I can breathe, my prayers will be with all of you as well. Take care!

~Angela~

_C.A.L.M_

2011-03-07T22:26:00.000+08:00

Decisions have been thoroughly scrutinized and much thoughts have been put in to make the decision.

Now, the decision has been made. Payment has been cleared. Data has been keyed in.

Wait...

Waiting for the good news.

Wait...

Waiting for the day to come.

Wait...

...all smiles here...

Above it all, I feel calm all throughout the time of making that decision.

Thank You!

Come soon, Max!

_Here's to Change_

2011-02-23T22:55:00.001+08:00

*Image courtesy of Google Image*

No, I am not a supporter of Mr. Barrack Obama but I am definitely a supporter for a change in my life. Yes, it's time to break from the routine and try out something new.

So, here's to Change!

...Cheers...

*all smiles*

_It's only February but..._

2011-02-22T22:29:00.001+08:00

I know it's only February but ...

*smile to self*

... I've bought tickets to return home for Christmas and Chinese New Year 2012...

I like it!

*Okay, this is a cure for my homesick-ness*

_There is always hope?_

2011-02-18T23:30:00.000+08:00

I don't own the picture above. I found it on this app I have on my iphone and was instantly attracted to it. Kudos to the artist who made this. I am sure this particular picture lifted many broken-hearted from the day it was drawn.

It's written at the side of this picture, "There is always HOPE"

... Really?

For now, Life as I know it is.... bitter. Broken. Shattered. Blame it on the workload, blame it on the movies I watched, blame it on the songs I listen to everyday, I can blame it on everything that is around me; but I never blame it on myself.

I think I now know why people start falling into depression and the reasons why people would give up on life. Life isn't as beautiful as we want it to be, 99.9% of the time. It's harsh, it's fake, it's full of deceit. Not everyone is lucky, not everyone gets the chance to pursue their dreams in life. Not everyone has Lady Luck standing by them. Then again, does Luck even exist?

I ask myself that all the time. Cause I see people getting the better of life when others have to fight for it. Luck?

I doubt so. When it seems to be no hope, look up! Look up, Angela. The sun never ceases to shine even after a storm (like the ones we are having now in Malaysia). Look up, Angela. The moon never fails to hang itself on the dark night sky, just to paint some colours onto the dull grey night sky. Look up, Angela. Even the stars decide to make the nights more bearable by accompanying the lonely moon.

Look up, Angela. No one has ever thought that you will be who you are today, to be where you are today and have what you have today. No one. So, look at yourself, Angela. For as long as you are alive, you are a miracle. As for luck, pffffttttt.... Never believed in it. The idea that everything was planned from the beginning seems more......how shall I put it, .... full of HOPE. Yeah, there is always HOPE.

_A song and a clip that made my day_

2011-02-18T18:03:00.000+08:00

Been upset with lots of things and mainly with the hectic life that I have. Am a little tired with all the mundane things that I have to go through day after day. And being home and experiencing unconditioned love from family dearest just make it worst.

Came across Jesse J's song, Price Tag, and reminded myself that money isn't everything. It ain't about the ka-ching or the ba-bling! Money can't buy happiness. Something that I have heard long time ago but being in a rat race often causes one to lose sight of the real joy of living.

Then, this popped up on my screen and it reminded this poor brain of mine that no matter what, life should be lived to the fullest! Translation is as below:-

Based on a true story

What do people live for ?

For missing someone ?

For keep living?

⋯⋯For live longer?

Or for leaving ?

"Let's ride motorcycles!"

These 5 Taiwanese

Average aged 81

One has hearing problem

One has cancer

Three have heart disease

Everyone has degenerative arthritis

6 months of preparation

13 days travelling around Taiwan

1139 kilometers

From north to south

From night to day

For one simple reason

What do people live for?

Dream

For ordinary people with extraordinary dreams

_I don't know why_

2011-02-16T18:08:00.000+08:00

I don't know why I have to work so hard

when there are people who can survive even

without any saving in their banks.

I don't know why I put so much stress upon myself

when there are those who can live

a carefree life wherever I turn.

I don't know why I have to study my ass off just to get a piece of paper

when one can earn more than what I have now,

without that piece of paper.

I don't know why I have to be so far away from my family

when some can just go back to their family

every day or whenever

they want to.

On the day of my departure from my humble hometown after a long Chinese New Year break, I had this conversation with mother dearest:-

*Speaker* Passenger of flight AK **** please proceed to the boarding room for immediate boarding.

Mother dearest: Go liaw lah.... They are calling you.

Father dearest: Wait, I need to go to the toilet.

Mother dearest and I: Aiyo.... Pa, you're not the one going on the plane.

*Father dearest went to the toilet anyway*

Me: Ma, I don't want to go back.... *pulled a sad bitter gourd face*

Mother dearest: Who ask you....?!?!?!?! Ask you guys to come back here and work, don't want.... Now, don't want to go back to work pulak.... sheeesh....

Me: Maaaa.... People sad here, okay... Cut me some slack lah.... Let me emo for awhile....

Mother dearest: Crazy.......!

As much as I hate it, I knew that that day would come eventually. It was bliss to be back home and not worry about anything. Told mother dearest that the feeling of waking up and knowing that there will be food on the table is a feeling that I wouldn't want to exchange with anything. Yet, I couldn't live up to my words and flew back to where I am now.

Sister dearest said, "You should never go home for so long. Next time return before all the homesick feeling starts to set in."

No matter what it is, after so many days and hours, I've returned to my routine life of working and more working; but I miss home. I miss it so much that I refuse to call home because I know if I do that, I'll break down.....

_I know how to start a year_

2011-01-10T16:23:00.001+08:00

This is my first post for the year 2011

and man....

Don't I know how to start it!

...with a crash... no, I mean, crashes!

Parked outside of my new crib for the very first time and this is what I got.

The (#@&$*(Y@_(#*$ tried to smashed into my car,

got chased by the security guards...

Attempt #1

Came back hours after that to smash the other window.

This time, they were successful.

Attempt #2

The funny thing was when I saw it, the first thing that came to my mind was

"Phew... Bethan's still here!"

then...

"($&Q*$YQ_*$Y&Q)#*$&)Q*W$Y&)#*$&)#%$&)#%(*$_(#*Q$+)(%&#)%(+)#$*"

all the way through...

I am not the only one, there were 2 other cars which shared the same fate that day!

But honestly, I am really thankful that Bethan's still around and I think I deserve to win BEST EMPLOYEE of the year cause I was thinking about going to work in a 2-windowless car that day!

What a way to start my year...with crashes!

Happy New Year, Everyone!

_A series of ..._

2010-12-03T17:37:00.001+08:00

The title says it all, I guess.... So many things just zoomed passed me and before I could yell "STOP!" December knocked on my door.

Too many things, too little time. And all of them came one shot! Gosh..

First, it was "house haunting" (a.k.a house hunting). It didn't strike any of my future housemates and I that we need to find a place to cover our head, pronto! So, after much calling and "My name is Angela. I was wondering if you have any units for rent in so-and-so", we have found a place to stay! *this is the time when you shout, YEAH!* The new place is nice. The draw back, no balcony. *sigh* Why oh why do people build house without balcony? Still doesn't understand the logic behind it. Anyway, am worried about where to find those Cash to pay the deposit and all. Any recommendation on where to find cash asap?

Then, I have this proposal that is not going anywhere and the semester is ending. Great...! Now, let's toast to sleepless nights and the increase of my blindness!

As if that wasn't bad enough, my lappy decided to crash at the PERFECT timing! This is the umpteenth time it has crashed and I think Coddy's picture is just too big for it. So, got myself a External HDD for the cheapest price *am el-cheapo*.... Western Digital. So I hope no more problem from you, Lappy!

So, yeah.. that's a little update on how my life has been so far. Nothing to shout about!

Here's to Life! Thank you for making me smile and sigh!

_On roses and late night photography_

2010-11-12T18:11:00.001+08:00

~Sis called one night, asking me to go and take photos of flowers.
~Sis's house was quite dimly lit. So, had a hard time finding lights and all.
~Am quite satisfied with the result, though I must say, the white roses looked very yellow due to the lights in the house.
~Anyway, these are the flowers for a wedding I can't attend... but at least, I am here for the pre-wedding!
~Next aim, wedding photos, perhaps? hehe...

~ The center piece for the VIPs' table!

~ White roses are just... classics!

~Took a b&w version. Not that impressive.... but my love for b&w will never cease.

~ A shot with the hands that made them!

~ Don't really know what they are called but they do smell good! *proves that I'm not a flower person aye...*

~ Due to the low lights, was experimenting with and without flash! This is with flash. Love the edite-d version better!

~ Had to crawl up and down, bend up and down, just to take a perfect shot! ...this is a little crooked but am not complaining! ~

~Edited version~

~ Love this shot! Check out the light above the flowers... Halo! hehe

~ near perfection!

~ Zoomed!

~ a candle in a vase with some leaves and rose petals! Classy!

~ Candle all lit up!... one for the groom,

~ ...and another one for the bride.

~ and two became one

~Took some shots of the petals in the water

My favourite shot that night!

...that's all folks! Should you want my sis to make some flowers for you,

feel free to contact me!

Should you want me to take picture for you,

feel free to contact me, as well!

haha....

_my lost?_

2010-11-12T15:47:00.001+08:00

For the i-don't-know-how-many-times I've lost some cash again at the same place. I remembered I saw a piece of 50 in my wallet in the morning but when I check my wallet by lunch time, it was gone. Geez....

Initial reaction: Hmm... go home and check again

After home checking's reaction: FUUUUUUCCCCKKKKKKK!

*Mom warned me about BP*

After remembering that warning: haiz.....Give him/her lah... Bless him/her lah...

I know I know... if you are reading this and you are thinking to say, "Angela....Angela... don't you ever learn?" Spare me the torture... I know I know, it's my mistake.... So, here's one to remind stupid-Angela to not leave her wallet unattended at the same place more than once!

Yes, I'm RM 50 poorer but he/she is RM 50 richer... not a bad thought actually.... I think this person needs that RM 50 more than I do, thus explains the action!

_One day,....__

2010-11-02T21:55:00.001+08:00

When I was young, I would sit hours and hours by the beach. I would sit at my spot, among the rocks because that's the one place people would not go and I would just sit and watch the sunset. I found solace there.

Since young, I've known the taste of defeat and rejection. Though I stand up again and again, sometimes I wonder if this is what I really want. Where are you, Solace? Have you forgotten about this soul that yearns for you daily?

So here's one for my friend, Solace

Just say you love me as I am

say you want me as I am

say I'm someone in your eyes

that's all I want it to be

Just let me go

I know one day

if I'm allowed

...one day, I'll make you proud

~From the song "Proud" by Susan Boyle~

_...stay?_

2010-10-31T16:56:00.000+08:00

Stay here, don't put up the glow

don't run, stay for awhile

Hold me now cause every minute

I become weaker

Looking back at the things I've done

I was surely trying to be someone

someone I don't want to be

...now, I'm lost, lost from you

I've played my part

and kept you in the dark

now, there's nothing more that I want

than to look at your angelic face once more

So, here I am with my confession

no hiding anymore

I'm showing you

the shape of my heart

....a heart that bleeds everyday when I'm not with you...

_People & Things that make my smile daily_

2010-10-24T16:41:00.002+08:00

If you haven't realized, I can be too moody at times. Reasons behind this is just plainly because most of the times I don't or can't see how blessed I am. When I am swamped with things and problems in life, I immediately turn to the wall and just sulk. Then I ask, "Why me?"

2 more months, 2 more months to the end of 2010. I think I have had enough with all these... No, I am not throwing the towels. I just want to remind myself that I am blessed beyond words, that I have everything that I could ever asked for, that I am surrounded with love beyond my expectation. :)

So, this post is dedicated to you that make me smile everyday.

Meet Coddy (My Canon 550D EFS 18-135mm)

Pictures of Coddy were taken with my humble SE 3.2MP Phone camera

Not bad aye?

Brother finally understood why I paid so much for a camera after explaining to him that without a good lens on a good camera is like giving an excellent book to a person who doesn't know ABC.

They need to come hand-in-hand

No, I am not obsessed with Coddy (Maybe a bit) but I took all this cause brother dearest was complaining

not meeting his brother in law after so long! haha...

So, took all these and showed him

And guess who he showed it to?

Mama and Papa dearest, of course!

Enough with Coddy...

Now, meet people who make me smile everyday!

They brought me to a bowling alley and that was my first time (even when I've stayed here for the past 5 years)

A shot I took before we started hurting our hands and fingers

Other than Coddy, I purchased my first ever Nike shoe (Nicholai, is his name)

after 25 years of walking on this earth, secretly wanting one.

Bought it because all of us want to live with each other till we are 80. Thus, we picked up jogging and living healthily.

...A small token from her which brought smiles to all of our faces that day.

So, yes, YOU...

thank you for bringing smiles to my oh-so-serious-and-cool-face everyday!

_When the nights are dark and the sun decides to take a break_

2010-10-02T12:58:00.000+08:00

It has been awhile since I last felt this "bump" feeling. I kind of know why I have such feeling visiting me now and then. I realized that it's when I have so many things to do and have no time to think or slow down that I feel like I don't want to continue this journey of mine anymore.

5 years... 5 years of pushing myself to have to dream that I just realized is not what I want; but I've gone to deep in it that I can't find the exit anymore. When I look up, I see the light from the sun but vines, leaves, roots of every kind block my view of the bigger picture.

I was the queen of my promise and then, I woke up and knew that I was the phantom of myself! Till this day, I am still constantly asking myself, "Is this what I want to do?", "Is this where I want to be?" After talking to my dear sister the other day, I told her my wish to disappear from all this and be somewhere else where no one knows my name. Guess what she said? "Mama would kill you!"

I don't know if this is silly or immature but I guess one of the reason I am here today is because of my family. I could not give it all up and break their hearts just because of my wants.

I don't know when I can "talk" or when I can "love" again. For I am stuck in this life where I am taught that to be "dumb" and "loveless" is the best way to survive!

_It's black and white again_

2010-09-24T23:07:00.002+08:00

I welcome the arrival of reading articles after articles.

I welcome the commencement of fervently checking the dictionary for words I didn't know existed.

I welcome the beginning of spending countless hours with my humble laptop.

I welcome the black and white in my life!

*this is not a complaint, not YET*

_Coddy's one month old_

2010-09-20T18:07:00.005+08:00

On this very day last month,

I counted the days, hours and minutes

before I officially owned my first DSLR..

...time flies...

Coddy turned 1 month old today

words can't describe the joy he brought me

all throughout this whole month

Happy one month old birthday, Coddy!

Love, Your proud owner

P/S: Created another blog just for the pictures taken by yours sincerely! Click here! Do check it out! Do drop a few comments! Thanks!

_It's your day, today_

2010-09-17T16:02:00.004+08:00

I've never understood why

The roads for you and I

have not been a bed-of-roses kind

I stand amazed looking back

at the past 5 years

those tears shed and laughter shared

Nothing could ever explain why we are who

we are today

But there's one thing I've stopped thinking

Like the song...

"I don't know much,

but I know Ai-rub-biu"

...and that may be all

I need to know

Happy Birthday, Love!

_It's when the sun sets that..._

2010-09-14T21:37:00.003+08:00

It's when the sun sets that I can think

to think how wonderful He is

to learn ways to appreciate for who I am

where I am now

and who I have that loves me to death

...it could have been worst, right?

*hugs myself*

_On remorse_

2010-09-14T20:56:00.005+08:00

Remorse:

She bid them goodbye forever. With her last breath, tears started to fall. Weak legs gave up on them. "Don't go" was repeated again and again. It was all over.

When they brought back her home, memories of the departed ones came rushing back. I remembered the pain from the sharp knife that tore my heart apart years back. I cried. No one said anything, nothing could be said; no words could express the pain of losing someone we love.

Like the snow that falls onto the ground, like the cold wind that blows on a rainy day, like the autumn leaves, we come and go.... Yes, she left those who loves and needs her, but amidst all those tears; her pain faded like the tears that fell on that day. It's over.

Remorse:

On a cold and rainy day, he showed me a picture of my car crashing into his. Like his car, my heart crashed instantly. Numbers came rushing into my brain. How do I explain to my family? Where am I going to find that much of cash to pay him? ....at the end of it all, WHY me?

My car. Crashed. My heart, crashed too.

Night fell and the pain in my head just wouldn't go away. Tears fell. "WHY me?" I should have checked this, I should have checked that... I should have...

Then I heard,

"If God sees the sparrow’s fall,

Paints the lilies short and tall,

Gives the skies their azure hue,

Will He not then care for you?"

Mama sent a similar message to me the next morning.

No, it didn't take away the pain for forking up insane amount of money for another person and not Bethan. No, it didn't take away the lines formed the moment I saw the price quoted. No, it didn't take away the feeling of being pushed when he insisted on his decision.

But, yes, it took away the feeling that all walls came crushing down on me. Yes, it brought back smiles on this tired, worn-out, filled with worry face of mine.

_Today is the day...__

2010-08-20T14:52:00.003+08:00

Today is the day

the day to pray.

And give thanks

for all that I have.

"Cause today is the day

the day which Coddy and I

...collide...

Yes, today is the day

and I will smile all the way.

*in 4 hours time*

_Little things that pass us by without us realizing how beautiful they are_

2010-08-14T22:18:00.004+08:00

A pool of Sunflowers in Mable's drink

"So summer-ly..." I said

My new craving... Cinnabon

"Bye bye Over-rated donuts!" said I

A cylinder of Apples.

My favourite picture currently

"Used to keep 'em all..." said Angela

*Picture taking and editing makes me S-M-I-L-E*

_Home..._

2010-08-14T15:08:00.002+08:00

With a blink of the eye, we are half way through 2010. Time, time freaks me out like never before. It vanishes when we are all caught up in the whirlwind of work, responsibilities, fun and heartaches. And now, it's time for the festive season to kick in. First we have the Ramadan then the Eid, then Christmas bells will start ringing and before we know it, it's the end of 2o1o. I can hear 2011's footstep when all is quiet and still. Freaky!

Am already planning what to got for who. After Coddy, don't think I am able to splurge on myself like how I want to; it's time to make others happy. :) Festive is all about sharing and painting smiles on people's faces, isn't it?

Amidst all the excitement, I know well that there's nothing that can be compared to spending time at home with my family. Am heading home early this time around for the Chinese New Year celebration to celebrate Papa's Birthday. Can't remember the last time I celebrated his birthday with him at home. *what a daughter* So, am super proud that I am able to do it this time around and super duper excited about it to. This time around, am going to show him Coddy *my new boyfriend* ahaks... :P

Totally agree with a quote I came across some time ago,

"Home is not a place, it's a Time"

_Love the way you Lie_

2010-08-09T19:07:00.002+08:00

Beautiful colours used, beautiful lyric sung, beautiful melody made

...utterly beautiful...

_Piak!_

2010-08-09T17:43:00.002+08:00

It's not anywhere to the starting line and I have already received a big, tight, "Piak!" on my face! Gosh.... How am I going to do this? Back to the drawing board. One thing I realized, I am not a person that can handle rejection well! arghhh......

I thought I was on the right track, having all my data, references and proposal ready... I was at the "ready, set, go!" position on the starting line... Then it happened!

"No!" With a CAPITAL "N".... sigh....

Here we go again! Think Angela, think....

_time to chin up!__

2010-08-07T11:12:00.002+08:00

Have been working for the past 1 year. Time vanishes, says Mable. And I can't help but to agree with her. It "vanishes" faster when one is all caught up with routines and daily stress!

After 1 year, this old brain of mine starts to play games with me once more. Time to look for a new place. Time to think about what have I achieved for the past year. Time to look back and be thankful that I am still breathing and not six feet under. Above it all, it's forcing me to think "What have you got here, Angela? Why here....?"

Beats me... It's a place I have never thought I would be all my life. For a person who loves sea and sand, I have never expected myself to be stuck here! I have never expected myself to be running in this rat race that I have to deal with everyday. What does this city has to offer?

Think Angela, think,.... All I can think of is that Money is good! Money... the ONLY thing that serves as a curse and blessing at the same time. It was also because of Money that I managed to pull through shitty times... those fucking times that would have drained my passion, love and vocation. And, yes... I pulled through those times and I know I can pull through more of those. Yet, I know my limit! I know when to call it a quit *fingers cross*

After 1 year, it's time to chin up, brush those dust off my shoulder and stand up taller than before. Cause if there is one thing that I have learnt, after 1 year *other than the bliss and the destruction money is capable of doing*, is that I am good! I am good with what I do, though I still need to have some work done on it, I know that Education is what I want to do all of my life!

After 1 year, this is what I know.... :)

....and guess what, Coddy is just a few weeks away!

_Yours faithfully_

2010-08-04T21:42:00.003+08:00

...yes, I want to be 'Yours faithfully'

so take my hand and hold it tight

and this is me, standing right here, next you...

_defying gravity__

2010-07-25T17:32:00.003+08:00

I'm through with playing by the rules or

someone else's games

too late to just go back to sleep

or second guessing

it's time to just close my eyes

and Leap!

It's time to try and defying gravity

kiss me goodbye

I am defying gravity

...and you, of all the people,

you, won't bring me down!

~from the song, Defying Gravity

_There is something more..._

2010-07-21T17:40:00.003+08:00

Looking back at the weeks that had been hell for me, it is nice to see some rainbow at the end of those dark clouds hanging over my head. I have been fervently asking myself what I have gained from working for almost a year now. Or, what I have gained from choosing to continue my studies. Everything looked so bleak and there was no sign of a light at the end of tunnel!

Exploded successively when I don't see any fruits from the seeds that I have sowed with love, care and tenderness. Everywhere I turned, I see people using this heart of mine for their own good. How can anyone stand such torment? Now I understand why some people just want to throw in the towel.

After getting a hang of how my new life is turning, I think I'll do okay. *fingers cross* I think it's the uncertainty that kills me. Every time something is pending, that is when I have the urge to sink myself into the tub and not want to think about anything. House mates said that I go all EMO when I stay at home for a long time. *I agree*

For now, I can at least see that little light shining as I walk daily. Yes, there is something more than this... :)

_Worth it?__

2010-07-16T18:30:00.002+08:00

Life has been a roller coaster since the day I walked down the stage during my convocation. I returned the graduation robe, received my certificate and then it spun out of control.

Being away from people that I love, doing without things and activities that I find joy in... the list just goes on and on. No brakes, no stopping, no slowing down. Nothing.

I turn away from people I love, I run away from situations that would make me realize that this is not what I want; that there are things better than what I am doing, or that dreams do come true!

It hurts terribly. To stand beside the window of my life, looking at the HAPPY me walking away with memories which turned into luxuries in life I can't afford now. No wonder they call it a "window pane".

How long? How much longer? I want to know too. I want to know.... Is all this worth it?

_Lightning__

2010-07-14T22:23:00.004+08:00

I am learning.

I am learning to let go and live on.

I am learning to know my strength and control.

I am learning to be Me.

I am learning to not hide,

but face whatever that comes my way.

I am learning to breathe.

But above it all, I am learning to accept the fact that,

"Lightning don't strike the same place twice".

_All for the sake of "You"_

2010-07-10T15:54:00.007+08:00

Was thinking back about flushing down some insane money on gadgets that I love and I realized that my taste in stuff have changed, drastically...

I used to long for Mp3 players, Laptops, PSPs, handphones... Yes, I still drool over them. Since I can't have them, *well, some I have * I would google and read all about them. :) Not healthy at all. Here's one that I am still drooling over and waiting for some revelation from above to find more money to get it.

Blackberry Storm 2 *drools...*

But now, today, this month and the month after this, I am going to make one of the most important decision in my life. Should I or should I not flush down insane money for a gadget that has been in my heart for the past 7 years? Yes, 7 years!!! People are not even married or loyal to each other for that long.... Want to meet that "You"?

"Coddy" or Canon 550D

Everyone, meet "Coddy"! Hehe.. I've even named it before I got it! Yup, am locking myself from civilization just so I can get this in 2 months time. Just in time for my next road trip up north. My mates are all encouraging me to get it, just because they want "beautiful pictures" of them taken during that trip! Pfffttt... friends! haha..

Anyway, am searching for the best price and bags to go with it! Fingers cross, I will still be alive when it's time to get this! Of course, I am still a few hundreds short, so if you have some extra change that you do not want; feel free to drop it in my mail box! haha... Just kidding!

_Breathe in breathe out__

2010-07-07T17:21:00.002+08:00

"...Breathe in breathe out

There must be something more,

Do we know what we’re fighting for?

Breathe in breathe out

And all these masks we wore

We never knew what we had in store

Breathe in breathe out

There must be something more..."

~Something More by, Secondhand Serenade

...exactly what I feel and do daily...

_A luxury I can't afford_

2010-07-06T17:49:00.002+08:00

Reminisce the time we had before we were introduced to the word "responsibility". Wonderful, isn't it? Some may say that we are dreamers if we don't see eye to eye with what shit we have to face everyday. Yet, ...

I long for the day that I don't have to think about what I have to do next. I imagine myself sitting by the beach, drinking my favourite beer and just laze around. No deadlines. No orders to follow. No pretending needed anywhere.

How's that for a "dream life"? ... Yes, that is the ultimate dream life for me; and I know very well that for now, that's the kind of luxury I can't afford.

_Like a flowing river_

2010-07-02T15:24:00.002+08:00

Like a flowing river; continuously, day in and day out, without a stop; I am caught up with this life of mine. No time to think, no time to ponder, no time for you nor do I have time for myself. All for the sake of being part of the norm, all for the sake of paying those bills, all for the sake of providing myself some securities.

Amidst all those madness, there were times where I just break down and cry. Why do I have to put up with so much shit? Yet, every time I fall, I find myself picking myself up for another day. With a blink of the eye, it's the end of the month and with the speed of light, a year finished right in front of me.

Yes, I too miss the days of yesterdays. Yes, I do miss the us and we back when we didn't have any commitment or much accountabilities. When we could just run or let our hair down when we were all stressed up, when we could just be with each other and talk till the break of dawn.

That's a luxury I can't afford now, irregardless of how much I earn. Yes, I do miss you, as much as I denied it in the past. Yes, I do wish we could turn back time and slow it down once more. But I am in this race, I am in this jungle where it's the survival of the fittest; and as much as I despise this life that I am living, I choose not to get out from it for unknown reasons.

They say we should know everything now. That experience will guide us through. When it's time to close my fatigue eyes, I say a silent prayer, "Make tomorrow a better day." Yes, I wish to wake up once morning to be who I want to be, to not be caught in this "mad" gushing river.

Then again, what would be a "better day" for me? Beats me... Just know that missing you has become a part of me. It's a constant struggle in me. To be Me once more, to be us once more.

_Like raindrops__

2010-06-14T17:51:00.003+08:00

Who knew a heart can bleed continuously like the heavenly tears from Heaven. It hurt beyond words. No direct pressure, no encouraging words, no ice-creams, no chocolates, no movies... nothing- could take away the pain.

As the heart bled, tears decided to join in as well. The mind wanted to take those thoughts away for the heart to heal, but the heart insisted that nothing could be done to mend the damages.

And so, the weekend was dedicated to mend this broken heart and allow it to heal completely before the next stab comes...

Till then, this heart will learn how to heal, this heart will learn how to withstand stabs, this heart will learn to continue believing that Love... exist.

_Why oh why?_

2010-05-19T17:40:00.004+08:00

I don't understand myself sometimes, wait, correction... *let me paraphrase that* I don't understand myself most of the time. Seriously, I give up figuring out what is wrong with me. One day, I can be all hype up about going to work and allowing myself to be trap in the vortex I wish to call "routines". The next day, I curse at what I have been doing for all these times.

Or, I am happily, fervently, excitedly updating my blog one day and the next day, I neglect it as if it has never existed. Sheesh.... And the funny part is not even that, I start to give reasons to myself. Reasons like, "Oh.. I am stuck with routines." or, "Oh.. routines kill creativity" blah blah blah.... *this is the time someone would break into Keisa's "blah blah blah"s song*

If that is true, then what makes me update the blog which I created for my students? At times, I have 2 posts up. Sometimes 3... You see, they (Moi Students) have to write a journal entry, at least one per day, for their writing classes. Due to the "Teacher-I-don't-know-what-to-write-so-I-didn't-write" statement I hear everyday, I challenged them and said, "If I can write every single day, what makes you think you can't?" From there, I created another blog, which I proudly named "youthinkthereforeyouwrite" *click* and update it every single day; just so they can write a response to what ever that is being discussed as their journal entry for the day.

I guess, it's all down to the word "perseverance" or "motivation". If that two can walk hand in hand in whatever that we are pursuing, nothing is impossible. Also, the title which I created out of loathe and annoyance to what I hear everyday says it all.

If I think, therefore I can write. So I do think, thus there is no reason underneath the bright, orange, sun to NOT write, right?

....and the everybody says "Right!!!!!"

By the way, this post is definitely not to condemn those who do not update their blogs now and then... it's totally for me, and me, and me.... :P *jangan makan cili aye...*

Cheers!!!!!

_Not worth it!_

2010-05-08T14:13:00.003+08:00

Too much of everything is never good for you and I... When going forward seems to push me backwards. Really, everything is worth fighting for?
"Can't afford to stop, can't afford to be afraid of the dark, it's a jungle out there!" they say.
...I stopped and asked myself, "Is it worth fighting for?"

All I want to do is go home
hold their hands
hug them
and tell them

"Nothing is worth fighting for when you are not here with me"

_It's been so long_

2010-05-04T17:36:00.002+08:00

When days pass by without a sound, when years come and go within a blink of the eye, when good things can turn into a curse, when moving forward feels like reversing instead, when every time I breathe I think of you, ... it's then that I know, it's been so long. And the space between this hand of mine misses the feelings of having yours fit perfectly into it...

_All that is missing is you....__

2010-04-29T17:40:00.004+08:00

The picture is self-explanatory

Everything turned upside down in moments. I was sucked into a vortex where everywhere I turned, troubles came slapping me in the face. I tried to grab at something, anything that would bring me down to the heaven I live in, something to tell me "It's going to be okay again."

Yet, the harder I tried, the more trouble I got myself into. Till... till the moment you called and we talked. We talked long. We laughed and for the first time ever in my life, I talked so much with you.

No words can ever express how much I miss talking to you. It's not that I don't appreciate the times that you asked me whether I have eaten, or the times when you asked how's things. Though I choose what I tell you, sometimes I wish I can be frank with you. Sometimes I wish to tell you all of my sorrows and how much I want to be by your side, to eat the meals that you prepared and to just be there with you. So here's one for you...

If everything fail,
I know your hands would always be there
to help me stand.
If everywhere I turn is a dead end,
I know your prayers will guide me through
once more.
If everyone I know turn their backs on me,
I know I can turn the other way
and see you welcoming me with open arms.
If my days are covered with dark clouds,
I know you would paint it with colours,
with colours of your Love.

_Spill it out...__

2010-04-26T18:48:00.003+08:00

It has been a spill-it-out- week
where truth was told
angst was vented
and eventually
wounds were healed
over a cup of coffee
and some tea

:)

Conclusion:- Communication heals, not Love... cause Love will always be there!*

_It's really more than words_

2010-04-21T21:50:00.002+08:00

*Had to prepare a test for my students so, I wrote this*

I remember it clearly. Everything is still fresh in my mind as if it happened yesterday. Then again, with the hustle and bustle of life, time passes with a blink of the eye. 6 years just passed like that. 6 birthdays without her. 6 Christmas without her. 6 Chinese New Year without her.

It's really amazing how our brain work. I guess it is true when McCarthy wrote in his book that "you forget what you want to remember and you remember what you want to forget". She went away before I got the chance to say goodbye. The few last words I heard her say to me was,
"Don't disappoint your parents. Don't disappoint your family. Above it all, don't disappoint yourself." Ah Ma said to me. "I am proud of you." she added.
It was the few last papers that I had to sit for an important examination in school. If it wasn't for the exam, I would have flown down to be with her. To be there to tell her about my future plans. To tell her that I will never disappoint anyone, especially my family. I would have, but I didn't.

Papa was there all the time. My sister was there too. While studying, I sat at the stairs so that I could hear every conversation Mama had with Papa on her. I wouldn't want to miss a thing. The phone rang non-stop for that one day and I knew something was wrong. In my heart, I imagined saying this to Ah Ma's ears, "Wait for me. Wait for me. I'll be there tomorrow. Just wait for me." Plans had been made for Mama, Andy and I to go and see her for the last time. Her days were numbered. That was what I was told by Mama. So, once I pen down the last word on my last paper, Mama was to pick me up and drive all of us down to see Ah Ma. It sounded like an excellent plan. Nothing could go wrong on that. Yet, everything went wrong the night before.

It was quite late in the night. Suddenly the phone rang, I listened carefully and heard,
"Don't hold her back if it's time for her to go" brokenly, Mama uttered those words. I quickly ran and got my hand phone and called my sister who was in the hospital. Amidst the tears and sobs, I convinced her to place her phone next to Ah Ma's ears and I said this to my Ah Ma,
"Wait for me... please, please, wait for me." My heart shattered beyond words. I really would do anything to just be there to tell her this personally. All I could hear from the other end of the phone was a groaning sound. Ah Ma made that sound though she went into coma few days before she was admitted. I cried profusely. I cried because I knew she couldn't wait any longer. I cried because I knew it was goodbye.

Certain enough, minutes passed; on the same night, our phone rang for the last time. It was Papa. "She's gone" Mama said that to me as she saw me came rushing down the stairs. I sat myself down. Looked into my mother's eyes. Moist. Like mine.

The next day, we went our into day as planned. The moment I penned down my last word, I asked permission to be dismissed. Mama was already waiting for me. No words were exchanged between us since last night. We took the next bus down to Miri as instructed by Papa.

The moment I saw the coffin, though empty, I still couldn't believe it. 44 days before, I saw the exact coffin for my grandfather and now this. It was too much. Still, I managed to compose myself, not to break down. I knew it was better for Ah Ma to leave this world in which she suffered so much pain. It was time for her to go.

The day of the funeral, we had to circle the coffin to bid our last farewell. Ah Ma's face was black, yet she looked as if she was sleeping. There was a look of relieved. I knew that body lying there was empty and Ah Ma's soul was in a better place where suffering does not exist. It was then that I broke down. Tears fell uncontrollably, like a fountain. Tears of sadness because I knew that I have lost someone whom was always there behind my back. Tears of joy because I knew she didn't have to suffer anymore. And for the first time ever in my life, I felt the pain of losing someone you love so much. For the first time ever in my life, my world collapsed before my eyes.

Yes, 6 years passed us by unnoticed since the day we buried Ah Ma. On that day, I vowed to not ever forget her voice, her smell, her words, her everything. Yet, it's so difficult. It's difficult to remember. I want to have a place in my memory just for her, but I find myself not remembering her face anymore. And it breaks my heart so much that I have to force myself to remember she looked like.

Yes, you remember what you want to forget and you forget what you want to remember. I wish I could forget the day she passed away and remember the times I spent with her, little as it was, I still want to hold and cherish those memories. Yet, I find myself remembering the day she left more than anything.

"Ah Ma, if you could see me now, know that there will always be a place in my broken heart, just for you." said Maggie.

_when the end is here..._

2010-04-12T16:44:00.002+08:00

When the end is here,
do I hide
or run with fear?
Cause I can see the end,
I can feel the end,
and I can touch the end,
but still,
the satisfaction that I thought I should get
is no where near.

When the end is here,
do I put on the mask of laughter and joy,
or the mask of sadness and frowns?
Cause I wanted it to arrive,
I wanted it like never before,
and when it is here,
I look at it and think,
"So, what do I do now?"

When the end is here,
tell me what to do
for all I know is time passes by without a pause
that life is shorter than it seems
that I hate being who I am
and where I am now
then never before!

_the end of Part 1_

2010-04-08T18:42:00.002+08:00

*exhales* Here it is... It's finally here. The sense of relieve when I typed the last full stop on the paper is indescribable. Having spent hours and hours on it, tears, anger, sweat, blood *paper cuts* sleepless night, deprived myself from communication with my mates and family, this is it....

*inhales* Looking at it now; nicely printed, staples, all 8 pages of it, sealed it with prayers and hopes, and took this picture. Why? Cause it marks the end of Part 1. It checked off the first part of my dreams in life.

*prays*... and I surrender it unto You.

*time for booze... lots and lots of them.... before another part of "madness" starts!*

_Mood of the day: RED_

2010-03-30T18:37:00.003+08:00

Okay, I have a confession to make. I get angry easily. I can shout my heart out at you when I am pissed beyond words. I lose my temper with a blink of an eye. I see red everywhere when I'm tick off. I can't explain why I am like this. I can't explain how I become who I am today. You see, I used to not show any emotion. I used to hide everything inside. Then one day, I ticked off and since then, it has become an addiction to me. Today, I see red. I see red in everything. I see red because of unethical professionals. I see red when I don't see results from the blood, sweat and tears I put in. I see red when one condemns me with nonsensical words. Yes, I see red...

Yes. I am angry but I wish not to have this feeling for long. I wish not to let my blood pressure rise up and gives me headache. I wish not for this.

So, how do I paint away the "RED" I see? Stuff my face with works I will never comprehend, type with my finger till they shout, "stop!", read till I see doubles in everything I see, and blog about I seeing "RED" today with thee.

*Colour check*
Yup... it's pale red now
:)

_save it for another day_

2010-03-26T15:21:00.005+08:00

When truth come slapping its' hand on your face, what do you do? Do you blog about it? Do you make a public announcement about it? Do you do nothing about it and move on? Do we really need and want to know what is the truth?

Truth is we live in lies everyday. Lies make the world go round and round endlessly. Lies are told to save our ass. Lies are there to cover up the things that need not to be made known to the world. That's the truth.

Truth is I work freaking 12 hours a day to make ends meet. I work my ass off and not breathe a word about it. So what makes you think you should? When I am asked, "How's life?" I merely brush it off with "It's okay." Tell me that's not a lie. Then again, should everyone pour out their heart and soul to everyone that ask "How's life?" Think about it.

Truth is I fucking hate my life right now and yet I am still doing it. Day in and day out. Yes, one might say that this is just a temporary work; that I am passing days by with a work that would not be my profession. Then again, can I afford to jeopardize and tarnish my own name for slacking at work or at things that I choose to do, just because I am "passing by"? Think about it.

Truth is change and transition is always the most difficult part of life. That doesn't give you the license to fall and not stand up again. Depression is always knocking at my door. Suicide is always whispering my name "Come, come, it's not worth it! Give up!" Yet, the more I am tempted to give up, the more I want to trod on and see where I would end up. Pushing yourself is not a choice where you choose to do it or not, it's a MUST in life. If not now, when? If not you and I, who? Think about it.

Truth is nobody's life is a bed of roses. Then again, nobody's life is a bed of thorns as well. Problems, crisis, stresses from every corner of the world come to us, like how it went to you; but everytime we are reduced to nothing, we pick up ourselves, brush of the dirt off our shoulder, wipe away tears and blood and move on. If we did it over and over again, why can't you? Think about it.

Truth is life will never be a life that we dream about. No matter how much one wishes to be swept off their feet by a Prince Charming and live life happily ever after, it'll never happen because contentment is barely found in any one of us. Enough is never enough. And when we strive hard enough, when success is in our hands, when the shiny trophy sits at our trophies cabinet; we realized that Winner stands alone. So, you tell me, is that what we want? Think about it.

Truth is before you come to your senses, I will ignore you. For I am a lady of my word, if I say I will do it, I will. Till then, you're OFF my life and IN my "ignore" list!

_Locked in my own prison_

2010-03-24T16:54:00.002+08:00

Everyday I torture myself with work, no more time to think. No time for myself, no time for you. Though I have the choice to free myself from this prison of mine, I don't dare to unlock the lock even if I have the keys. Truth is I have forgotten Who I am. I don't have the slightest memory of who I was previously. I lost touch with the happy-go-lucky-me. How I wish I can look back at my past and be who I was again? Then again, when I turned back, there's nothing there. Zero.

There's no more sunrise in my mornings, it's just alarm clock ringing. There's no more messages worth saving, only reminders, one after another. There's no more intelligent conversations, just deadlines and more deadlines.

Is this life? Is this what I want? The answer is yes. This is what I chose long time ago. This is the price I have to pay for a better future. This is the sacrifices I have to make for a brighter tomorrow.

Till that day come, this is me. For I have forgotten and burried the ME that was in me... "nuff said!

*I miss you Angela... I miss everything about you*

_?_

2010-03-23T17:31:00.005+08:00

"Is this the right thing to do?" she asked
"Have you ever done something right?" I replied

I sometimes loathe myself for being so pessimistic. Instead of living with the adage, "All things are possible!", it's more to "Don't expect anything" now.

Sad but true. I've lost the essence of being alive. I don't know how to live anymore. Day in and day out, it's the same old same old routines. As much as I hate who I am now, as much as I hate where I am now, I don't know how to deal with this madness....

Should I smile when there's nothing worth smiling?
Should I laugh when there's nothing funny?
Should I look forward to tomorrow instead,
when I know what's going to happen tomorrow?
Or should I look back to the past, and then what?
Should I anticipate for the future when everything is so blurry and bleak?

Should I? ... tell me,
cause I don't have the slightest idea

_ENOUGH!__

2010-03-18T17:18:00.003+08:00

I can care for you
I can always be there
I can drive miles and miles
to a place where I don't well
just to see if you're okay

but...
I care to a certain extent
I can be there, not always,
but to a point before I say
"I don't care"
in your face

Don't blame me if I don't care
for you have misused
your share
from the "I care" that I have
for you, my friend

And now I cut all ties
till senses return to you
Now it's just
"Do I look like I care?"

Fuck off!

_A lift in my soul_

2010-03-17T16:46:00.004+08:00

Mom called. She sounded happy. I asked why. And she explained. Miracles happen for those who believe. Story was...

Mom and Dad are having their well deserved holiday away from home. Dad lost his wallet one day, with lots of cash in it. Dad was sad. Mom was too. Mom called this daughter of hers, who is apparently speechless with it all. This daughter said,

"Think of it as blessing the person who is in need of the money."

Mom forgotten that this daughter is emo-nak-mampus (a.k.a pessimist) Thus, this daughter said,

"Sorry. I don't know what else to say."
Mom said, "Just pray."

2 days after the incident, mom had a feeling that the wallet is somewhere near to them. Mom looked out the window and voila... Wallet fell off the balcony from the jeans dad was wearing, and was lying there, on a platform just before the ground. Mom asked security guards to help and take the wallet. Cash and cards, all in it. Untouched.

Mom messaged and called this daughter of hers and said, "Thank you for praying. Thank you for being a comfort to my heart."

This daughter was touched by mom's words. Thus, this daughter feels like this is a blog-able story. This daughter felt a lift in her dry dry soul and today, this daughter is a little bit happy because she knows that it's true when one believes, miracles do happen.

_Loneliness_

2010-03-10T17:05:00.004+08:00

...the ultimate test of being an adult!

2010-03-06T12:50:00.003+08:00

Shall we leave out the title for this post? I am really at a point where there's nothing, really nothing to blog about. Writer's block? I doubt so. I blame it on routines. Then again, who am I to complaint? I have everything that I ever want, above it all, I manage to handle my life "well " so far.

"Well" ... I wonder if that is a suitable word to describe my life. I miss the pleasure of traveling. I miss the excitement of doing something random. I miss the fulfillment one gets from doing something unexpected. I miss all that.

"Miss" ... I wonder whether "I miss" sometimes is overrated and overused. When will "missing" something or someone ever end? Wouldn't doing something better than "missing" it afterwards? Then again, easier said than done.

"End" ... This is how I am going to end this post. Never will I leave you, my dear blog. Never will I forsake you...

"You" ... Never told you that I adore everything about you.

*smile*

_When Routines kick in..._

2010-03-02T16:56:00.002+08:00

Someone told me before, "Time passes by by weeks, not days when one is working" I brushed it off my shoulder, thinking it can't be possible.

Now,... now that I am working... It's true! Sigh... No time for myself, limited time for family and friends.

"Why are you still single?" they asked. And I will reply,

"Monday to Friday I work from 9am to 10pm, Saturday it's the day for myself, family and friends. Sunday is for Church. Tell me where to fit in a boyfriend." I say.

*silent*

To avoid any awkward moment, I will add in at the end...

"I date myself"
*that doesn't mean I swing both ways*

*laugh*

So when routine kicks in... It makes me sick in my stomach. I t makes me want to run away from everything. It makes me want to cry. But that's how life is, isn't it?

Routines.

_"It's homesick, Angela."_

2010-02-22T00:34:00.004+08:00

It has happened more and more frequent now. I didn't have such feeling before. Now, it happens every single time.

The moment I touched down, returning from my hometown, I felt sick in my stomach. It felt like I want to throw up, but nothing would come out. It felt like a bad hang over, but I was not drunk. It felt like I want to run back to the plane, asking the pilot to bring me home, but my feet wouldn't budge.

Little did I know, this is Homesick. This is the feeling of not wanting to be where I am, but back to where I came from. This is the feeling of longing to be close to those who understand me even before I utter out a single word. Those that love me irregardless of what I did or what I will do in the future.

The worst part is that this feeling stays for a few days. I would try my very best to hide it at this little corner of my heart, but then again, what ever that is hidden will resurface after awhile.

When Mama messaged me and said, "The house is quiet" .... *sniff sniff*

Now is the time... it's the time for this feeling to resurface

_Reasons I come home every single time__

2010-02-17T20:38:00.004+08:00

It's New Year Baby... Chinese style! :P

It's been hectic, yes, it's been crazy, definitely!
Flew back way too early, first time in my life entering an airport where nothing was open for business except for Starbucks! *see... tell me how NOT to love them*
Too bored waiting for everyone to board, took out me Cybershot and started "shooting"

Amazing, isn't it? Can never ever fathom how He made all these, so beautiful...
Last one before I was swept off to my dream land... on the plane!

*********************

Towards the few last days I have before reality hits me point blank again,
I went to the beach and took these babies...

"Reasons I come home every single time"

I wake up before the sun is fully up and come back home when the sun sets...
Never get the chance to fully enjoy the sky

Tell me how not to fall in love again and again with this humble little town I call H-O-M-E

One of the machine or what-ever-you-wanna-call-it, all I know "it" is destroying the beautiful beach by reclaiming land for heaven-knows-what! Pfftt....

Dear hometown, some might call you the ultimate "jungle" for not having McD and what not,
but you are always, always, always in my heart.

You are my rock, my strength, my all.
You are the only place I can call
H-O-M-E

Till then... Cheers!
Rrrrooooooooaaaaaaarrrrrrr.......!

*It's the year of the Tiger!*

_Twilight_

2010-02-10T06:17:00.003+08:00

No, I am not a fan of Edward and what not.

It's early in the morning and
I am typing so fast I don't know what I am typing

I am editing so much that English doesn't make sense to me anymore
I am thinking so hard that veins are visible 10 miles away
I am so awake, I hate it

Am up and about due to my love affair with completing-last minute-assignment

Was telling my someone that I have a terrible love dilemma with assignment
I love them dearly, to death,
but their Deadlines is always standing in between us!

*sigh*

that's it, I pronounced myself "Going Bonkers!"

_When things don't go our way...__

2010-02-01T22:26:00.007+08:00

...When things refuse to go our way,
what better way to cry
and burn it all away...

When "I'll be there" shatters away,
when faith walks on broken glass
I lay down my arms
shrugged my shoulder
and say "It's okay..."

When love re-appears,
when hugs are no longer there,
when holding your hands
are something in the past,
I allow memories to take charge

It kills me to say this
I really miss you too
not a day goes by
not thinking "How was your day?"

I really miss your hair,
I miss just being there
so,

I tell lies
that I made you believe
then guilt kicks in
and I remember,
what it feels
to be, just to be with you

...when things don't go our way
I step aside slowly
day by day
it just hurts
less
that way...

I'm sorry

*written after my 24th birthday*

_Sick_

2010-01-27T17:51:00.004+08:00

*ah-choooo*
First it was the flu
*cough cough*
then started coughing
*cough cough cough... voiceless*
sore throat joined in the fun
*sizzling hot - Forehead*
fever was last to register

"Teacher, you know Kung Fu panda? You look like one!"

*ah-choooo*

Panda or not,
all I want to do is
sleeeeeeep..........
No to classes,
No to tuition,
No to late nights out!

_On lightining__

2010-01-23T13:32:00.002+08:00

Flashes of lights from Heaven above
send chills straight down to my bones
cool breeze caressing my face
just like kisses from heaven to earth

*just put a smile on my face*

_I see RED_

2010-01-18T18:43:00.004+08:00

First you told me the money is not ready
then you told me please call this number
When I called the number
you asked for my details
Then suddenly you passed me to another grumpy lady
she then asked me stupid questions
and finally I was told
"No... we didn't receive your letter."

I......SEE.....RED....

"What do you mean you lost my letters? What if this is a matter of life and death? You have the audacity to tell that person I lost your letter?"

*silence*

"Please call back in 2 weeks time to see if your money is ready for collection."

*silence*

"You mean I have to wait for one month? When I owe you money, you chased me till my doorstep, when you owe me money, I have to wait freaking one month to get a refund?"

*silence*

I....SEE....RED!

*and the rest was history!*

*due to the variety of vocabulary used in
the next part of the speech,
I choose to have
viewer discretion
and not put all
those words
in here.*

_I see you_

2010-01-16T15:52:00.002+08:00

How language and meanings revolved:-

First we have "I love you"
then we have "I heart you"
now we have "I see you"

I like the last best cause,
"Actions do speak louder than words"
No?

Sometimes all we need is to SEE
I see you and I hope you see me too
:)

___On "What happened to you Angela?"

2010-01-16T15:20:00.004+08:00

If you see me today,
smiles have failed me
they gave up on me
totally

If you see me today,
a dark cloud hang over my head
linger just for another moment
and another and another

If you see me today,
I don't know who I am anymore
I lost my soul
my life
my joy

If you see me today,
I am walking on a road
where walls
dark, strong walls
are what I face everywhere

If you see me today,
you'll say
"What happened to you, Angela?"
and I'll say

"Summer turned to winter, snow turned into rain
and rain turned into tears on my face
when life shows no mercy
is there a reason to be jolly?"

_In the rain_

2010-01-12T17:32:00.003+08:00

When it was raining outside, I left everything in my car. I took off my shoes. I stood out from the car and .... stood in the middle of the park, turned my face upwards to the sky and just let the rain drops caressed my face!

For that moment,
I felt I was a kid again
For that moment,
I felt no pain
For that moment,
the rain painted a smile on my face,
and I said,
"Dance Angela, Dance!"

_Is that you?_

2010-01-11T19:12:00.004+08:00

Looking from a window above,
like a story of love.
I wonder if you can hear me? Are you back?
Silence.

I guess we are moving further away.
All I need was the love you gave,
all I need was just another day
with you near to me.
Sometimes all I needed was to hear you say,
calling my name.
Then again,
I wonder if you'll ever understand

that it's just with the touch of your hands
behind the closed door.
That's all that I ever need...
you.

*This is going to take a long time aye Angela...*

_The Stage..._

2010-01-09T13:37:00.004+08:00

"You must have an interesting life because you are always smiling"

Yes, her life is interesting because everything is made up. Life's a stage and she ... she is the actress that puts on a smile, that puts on a mask, that puts on what you want or what you wish to see, when the curtains is up.

... but when the show is over, you applause, you give your standing ovation, you cheer! But when the show is over, when the curtain is down, when the light is off, these eyes shed endless tears, this heart aches like a sword piercing through it a million times, this soul has lost her what is important to her. She doesn't know who she is anymore.

How she longs for all these to end. How she longs for the day when her feeble brain can be put to rest. How she longs for the day when she finally understands why all these shits are happening. How she longs.

What has she got herself into? All these misery and all these pain. If this is what she want, why is she feeling gloomy all the time? Tears have yet to stop falling. Pain has yet to go numb. Reasons have yet to be made known.

_The dying flame_

2010-01-08T17:20:00.002+08:00

Once an inferno,
now drowned with frustration.
Once filled with passion and dreams,
now covered with ashes of disappointments.
Once all hyped up with ideas and plans,
now swathed with fatigue and tears.
Once a burning flame,
now submerged with uncertainty.

_When the mask came down...__

2010-01-05T17:06:00.003+08:00

On the day fireworks lit up the sky, on the day people drank, shouted cheers and be merry, on the day seconds really mattered and counted, on that day... on that day where celebration took place, on that day... on that day my mask came down and my heart, torn apart.

Tears fell as alcohol subsided. I lay awake looking at the cloudy sky, you were on my mind. Thinking. This is definitely not where I thought I would be back then, this is certainly not who I thought I would be back then, this is undeniably not what I thought what I would say back then... Life has gone out of control, my life, I can't remember the last time I took hold of my life and do what I want to do. *then again, what do I want to do?*

No more hiding. No more running away. No more. Words were left unsaid. Letters were left unsent. All because you deserve more than that... and I, words don't come easily to me.

I miss you. I want you. I love you. All these are understatements of what is inside of me for you. And it was then that I said this prayer,

"I pray that you would hold me, when everything is lost
I pray that you would tell me it's okay, when everything is taken away
I pray that you would just be there, when everything is over"

_Enough_

2009-12-27T00:18:00.002+08:00

A well deserved break. A great time with family and friends. A lot of beer gulped down. A Christmas well spent. In spite of all the ho-ha... I still manage to have a silent moment with Me.

On my last night, I went to the beach, my spot, to reminisce the times I spent just sitting down there. Silence, no sound. Even the waves didn't make any sound. In darkness, I closed my eyes and just sat there. I let the alcohol in me does its job. I let everything drift, drift to the past, forward it to the future and set back to the present. Silent. No sound. Nothing. Just my brain, my soul and I.

I stood up. Breathed in and out, and said " Enough! Enough of thinking, enough of silent, enough with cheap beers, enough with this holiday mood." ... as much as I love being all emo and think, sometimes I am sick of it. Silent, I kill you....!

_Hold on_

2009-12-22T17:15:00.003+08:00

Went to a Christmas party recently and was told to share something about my life. Thought it would be nice to put it up on my blog... read on...

If I want to talk about my life, it would last till the next 10 Christmas-es... Now, you don't want that to happen, do you? haha... so, here's a snippet of it!

Four and a half years ago, when I first left home to came here, the only thing my father said to me was "Remember to go to church on Sundays". I adhere to those words for one year while I was in the dormitory.

After one year, I moved out. I thought this would be it... a good excuse not to go to church because I don't know where's the nearest church.

Then, my pastor messaged me and told me about this church call, "GTPJ". So thanks to Mr. Google, I found the church's map. Then I thought, "Shit... how am I suppose to get there now?"

The first Sunday came, I woke up early, said my morning prayers and told Him, "I'm going to find this church. Lead me to it, if I don't find it, please don't blame me!"... Guess what? I found the church. I walked for 30 minutes from my place and found the church. Knowing how much I can sweat, I brought another spare T-shirt in my back pack. That, then, became a habit I take on for years to come.

It is a big church. A church where you don't sit next to the same person every time you are there. So big that I feel so small. Sundays came and Sundays went by... I made sure I didn't miss any of it. Then again, I wondered, back then, I always wonder, what was it that made me go back to the church where I don't know anyone, I don't speak to anyone and no one knows me... for the remaining years, I kept going back...

Today I know. I know the very reason why I held on to this church. After 4 and a half years, I finally know the answer. *Father, You really have a way with making me wait aye....* I found love in this church. I rekindled the relationship I once lost in this church. When I knew that my friends are accepting Him, I knew that was IT! This is why I held on for so long when I could have walk off from the door long time ago...

Sometimes Life sucks! Life's a bitch they say... well, I for one will not argue with that. Just look at my blog, half of it can make me kill myself. Sometimes life is just so pointless. Then again, when it is very pointless to do something, and we hold on, the best will come in the end. He saves the Best for Last... Hold on, no matter what,... I did! ... and it's one of the best thing I did in the whole of my feeble life!

_'twas the week before Christmas_

2009-12-20T00:50:00.003+08:00

'twas the week before Christmas

and with all the shopping and being lost in KL
'twas actually one of the best time of my pathetic life
First it was my FIRST ever birthday away from Home...
had a blast with my special ones! *sniff sniff - was touched*
...felt love...
then beer came into the picture...! Thanks for Phil!
...pork burger...
...smooth...
then it was a mad weekend getting lost and meeting up with Joan
...fun...
To end it all, Choir performance in Santhya's church!
Awesome voice, gave me goosebumps...
and a great night out with peeps!
...single or not, I'll bug you guys every week...

:)

_Broken_

2009-12-17T17:08:00.003+08:00

"Teacher, you are either sad or angry today. Why?"... I'm just tired.

Sitting at the drivers seat, I couldn't contain myself anymore. For the whole day I was pissed with everyone and everything. The sky starts to tear up... it was like the tears in my heart. When I can feel my heart is crying, that is when I know it hit me hard.

It hit me so hard that I am speechless. I want to shout, I want to cry,... I can't because I know how much I hurt you and how much it hurt me as well. And for a moment, I thought my Life was back. I thought that all wounds were closed and healed. This, this.. this just opens everything up... cutting it deeper.

Radio is playing my song, my favourite song, yet no joy is felt, no peace, no happiness ... just empty. Blank. I couldn't think, I didn't want to think...I didn't want to do anything else other than let my tears flow...

I cried eventually. Tears start to flow, on its' own.. as if it has a life of its own. I have no power to it, I have no strength left to stand up and say to myself, "Don't cry you baby... shoulder up!" I couldn't. I just wept.

I remember why I changed to such a bitter person, I remember why I am not who I used to be anymore... I remember it well, people, when what you said is used against you.. that was when I turned into ME.... that was when I was broken...

_No other ways_

2009-12-12T17:42:00.001+08:00

There is no other better ways to celebrate my birthday than rekindling my love for Him
There is no other better ways to celebrate my birthday with people that stand by me all throughout the way
There is no other better ways to celebrate my birthday with Y-O-U
*yes, Y-O-U*

:)

_Reliving my childhood_

2009-12-11T17:11:00.002+08:00

If you were to ask my siblings, they would they you I was the one that insisted to have the
"CARTOON CHANNELS" on Astro to be kept every month
*I was in Form 6 when my parents decided to have Astro at home*

So, conclusion is this, I love cartoons. Wall-E is my Hero...! *nuff said*
When I heard about this movie, I told myself I must watch it
and I did!

Loved every single moment of it!
Soundtrack was awesome...
Jokes were hilarious...
Colours were beautiful...

Money well spent!

I qoute Mable,
"Kids come to watch the movie to live their childhood, adults come here to rekindle/relive their childhood...."

:)

_on bended knees I pray_

2009-12-03T19:56:00.008+08:00

On bended knees I pray
that next year will be a better year
that what started up with a kiss
will not be a poison
in the end

On bended knees I pray
that Bethan shall come back to me soon
that she'll be in one piece
scratch-less, Perfect once more

*FYI, I was involved in an accident. Thank God, I am alright, but not my car*

One bended knees I pray
that Christmas will soon arrive
that the day for me to fly
will come
how I long to be with my family
once more

... and I blame all these emo-ness on this book!
*don't get me wrong.. It opened my eyes, heart and soul... reading it again and again*
My birthday and Christmas gift to myself!

*smiles*

_..._

2009-11-26T23:06:00.002+08:00

1. Creative juices all gone down the drain recently

2. Everything is tuning into routines
3. Trying very hard not to be all e-m-o when parents left
4. Can't wait for Christmas and Birthdays
5. There you have it, an U-P-D-A-T-E

I wish someone would take this sinking boat an take it home...

_Now what?_

2009-11-17T19:34:00.003+08:00

When everything has ended, when all craziness is finished,
I sit down and ponder, think, wonder...
and BOOM, I am back at square one!

Being alone+Rainy weather+sucky life= A good time to be E-M-O

_It ends tomorrow..._

2009-11-11T17:50:00.001+08:00

Yes, it's ending tomorrow and I am getting my life back!

Students said to me,
"So teacher, after tomorrow no more sleepy eyes?"

My reply,
"Yes, after tomorrow Teacher Angela will be shouting like a mad woman when you
don't do her homework!"

And they said,
"ahh... after tomorrow, Teacher Angela is back....!"

You got that right peeps! After tomorrow, Angela is BACK!

*woots*

_I see you_

2009-11-10T18:50:00.003+08:00

... we sat across each other. ... we kept quiet. ... we ate. ... we left.

...we sat across each other
There are so many things I want to tell you
there are so many things I want you to know
but words don't come easily, so

... we kept quiet
I was contemplating on whether to tell you or not
I wish I had the courage, the heart, the word
but words failed me yet again, so

... we ate
words were swallowed down
silence crept out from its' box, slowly
I couldn't do it
I gave up on myself, so

... we left
Nothing that I want to say to you came around
I gave up
I gave up on myself

_Me cranky...!_

2009-11-09T15:06:00.003+08:00

When me no have enough sleep, me cranky....
Me scolded a lot of people moments ago because me no like waiting...

When me no have enough sleep, me cranky...
Me no speak good English...

When me no have enough sleep, me cranky...
Me no happy and nothing can make me happy!

Me cranky now... Me wanna sleep with a cranky face... and wake up with a smiley face,
OKAY?

*Now, me cranky... later me no Cranky, okay?!!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!!???!!??!?!*

_Not a fan of Twilight, but MUSE takes my breath away every freakin time!_

2009-11-08T15:04:00.003+08:00

"I can't find the words to say, they are overdue... I traveled half the world to say that I belong to you" *Awww......, so Twilight!*

_Beautiful_

2009-11-08T12:52:00.004+08:00

Bringing beautiful memories of making someone smile everyday! Changing the "ME" world to "YOU" world...

Change, I shall change tomorrow, I shall make my *our* world beautiful once more! :)

_Random pictures from a Random person_

2009-11-07T22:46:00.002+08:00

I told everyone that I want to get myself a DSLR camera soon, but I would have to save up...
And only God knows when I can get that with my excessive spending *blekk...*
So before I can get my hands on that sexy camera of my dream,
I shall settle with my humble 3.2mp SE camera phone..
Okay-lah....

Papa John's pizza.. Mable claims she'll NEVER eat Pizza Hut's pizza ever again!
*she has a point*

She also claimed that the mushroom taste very,
"Mushroom-y"

Tarynn went to Cameron, bought us some Strawberries...
Here's one with Mable and the straw-babies.. *as how she calls them*

Tell me how not to love my camera!

Took this ages ago during Lantern Festival at Liza's place!

Went to Oliver's class's performance and of course,
we cam-whored with the grass!

Took this at KL pac, before the Pak Guard chased us away!
pfftt.....

Oliver, after, being distraught by the movie "ORPHAN"

Mable being all "emo" (tak jadi) after KL-Pac's Hamlet showing!

Another one looking all "bitch" (She said it herself!)

~fin~

i tHink...

___One day___

___Dreams buried___

___Let go___

___Believe___

___Life...___

___The feeling which sticks___

___The curtain has fallen but, the show goes on___

___End of one tunnel___

___Empty swing____

___Part of the fun is the climb___

___What happened along the way?___

___To Mr. Teo___

___ Me, weird? ...___

___Music, where are you?____

___Words can never be enough....___

___at the foot of the cross...___

___How do I keep the fire burning?___

___My ex-car, Bethan___

___My heart goes out to all of you____

___C.A.L.M___

___Here's to Change___

___It's only February but...___

___There is always hope?___

___A song and a clip that made my day___

___I don't know why___

___I know how to start a year___

___A series of ...___

___On roses and late night photography___

___my lost?___

___One day,....____

___...stay?___

___People & Things that make my smile daily___

___When the nights are dark and the sun decides to take a break___

___It's black and white again___

___Coddy's one month old___

___It's your day, today___

___It's when the sun sets that...___

___On remorse___

___Today is the day...____

___Little things that pass us by without us realizing how beautiful they are___

___Home...___

___Love the way you Lie___

___Piak!___

___time to chin up!____

___Yours faithfully___

___defying gravity____

___There is something more...___

___Worth it?____

___Lightning____

___All for the sake of "You"___

___Breathe in breathe out____

___A luxury I can't afford___

___Like a flowing river___

___Like raindrops____

___Why oh why?___

___Not worth it!___

___It's been so long___

___All that is missing is you....____

___Spill it out...____

___It's really more than words___

___when the end is here...___

___the end of Part 1___

___Mood of the day: RED___

___save it for another day___

___Locked in my own prison___

___?___

___ENOUGH!____

___A lift in my soul___

___Loneliness___

___When Routines kick in...___

___"It's homesick, Angela."___

___Reasons I come home every single time____

___Twilight___

___When things don't go our way...____

___Sick___

___On lightining____

___I see RED___

___I see you___

___On "What happened to you Angela?"

_One day_

_Dreams buried_

_Let go_

_Believe_

_Life..._

_The feeling which sticks_

_The curtain has fallen but, the show goes on_

_End of one tunnel_

_Empty swing__

_Part of the fun is the climb_

_What happened along the way?_

_To Mr. Teo_

_ Me, weird? ..._

_Music, where are you?__

_Words can never be enough...._

_at the foot of the cross..._

_How do I keep the fire burning?_

_My ex-car, Bethan_

_My heart goes out to all of you__

_C.A.L.M_

_Here's to Change_

_It's only February but..._

_There is always hope?_

_A song and a clip that made my day_

_I don't know why_

_I know how to start a year_

_A series of ..._

_On roses and late night photography_

_my lost?_

_One day,....__

_...stay?_

_People & Things that make my smile daily_

_When the nights are dark and the sun decides to take a break_

_It's black and white again_

_Coddy's one month old_

_It's your day, today_

_It's when the sun sets that..._

_On remorse_

_Today is the day...__

_Little things that pass us by without us realizing how beautiful they are_

_Home..._

_Love the way you Lie_

_Piak!_

_time to chin up!__

_Yours faithfully_

_defying gravity__

_There is something more..._

_Worth it?__

_Lightning__

_All for the sake of "You"_

_Breathe in breathe out__

_A luxury I can't afford_

_Like a flowing river_

_Like raindrops__

_Why oh why?_

_Not worth it!_

_It's been so long_

_All that is missing is you....__

_Spill it out...__

_It's really more than words_

_when the end is here..._

_the end of Part 1_

_Mood of the day: RED_

_save it for another day_

_Locked in my own prison_

_?_

_ENOUGH!__

_A lift in my soul_

_Loneliness_

_When Routines kick in..._

_"It's homesick, Angela."_

_Reasons I come home every single time__

_Twilight_

_When things don't go our way...__

_Sick_

_On lightining__

_I see RED_

_I see you_

_In the rain_

_Is that you?_